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Coming Clean

I feel like I’ve been in another long process of “surrender”.  This is how I refer to those pivotal moments in life where you finally face reality, cut the bullshit and allow the path to lay itself before you. Where you stop inserting your will onto the universe and instead allow the universe to guide you. I have a gut feeling that you all know what I’m referring to. You’ve all felt it. You’ve all been there. 

If you’ve been following my blog, or my instagram, or my program, groups, emails, Reddit, Twitter, Snapchat, Imgur, YouTube (you get the point), you probably already know that I’ve been on a path of weightloss and self-improvement for several years now.  You probably already know that I’ve managed to lose 107 lbs through diet and exercise. You probably already know, but I’ll tell you again because I’m really proud of myself and I want to share my story in hopes of maybe, just maybe, being able to help someone else. 

Also, because I’m still really broken and I’m looking for your approval. 

There, I said it. There’s still a big (pun intended) part of me that is subconsciously afraid to take up too much space.  I look at the scale and I see the number that I’ve been aiming for, dreaming about, and working my ass off for, for YEARS. And damn it feels good... reeeeaaaallly good. But while I can see that number, and I can look down at my body (a fraction of it’s former self), I know deep down I’m not healed. I’ve come a long way but I’m not healed. The parts of my life that served as a catalyst for the weight gain will never disappear. 

Here’s the part where I come clean. I’ve been walking around sharing my story and acting as if I’ve overcome my past and my crutches and insecurities but that’s not entirely true. I’ve spent the better part of 2 decades in treatment and counseling, devouring self help books and late-night-talking my bestie’s ears off to get where I am. I’ve done the work and it’s paid off, but I’m not “over” it.  I’m still pretty fragile.

I spend waaaaaay too much time thinking about my next Instagram post. I still put on foundation to get groceries. I still smile at every person I walk past (because you can’t be fat AND rude), and sometimes I still hear those voices from my past, on replay in my head telling me I’m stupid/fat/useless/dumb/too loud/ugly/unwanted/at- fault/clumsy... 

 I’m tired. Self-improvement is exhausting and keeping up a facade is even more exhausting.  I’m sharing this because my goals remain the same. I am on a never-ending persuit to become the very best version of myself (in every way) that I possibly can in this lifetime, and two because I truly believe that by sharing our own truths, we can help others to do the same. I want you to know that in no way do I have all my shit together.  

This is my way of waving the white flag. I’ll share my embarrassing truths so that maybe you can quietly relate and maybe I can keep getting better.  I’ll post #transformationtuesday pics on Instagram in hopes that you’ll flatter me with compliments and remind me why I haven’t eating a carb in 9 months. I’ll keep asking my husband if my ass looks too flabby in these jeans just to make sure he still says no. 

Maybe I’m just reminding us all that we’re all on a journey of one kind or another and we’re all pretty much looking for the same thing. We’re all fragile. We’re all full of shit sometimes. We’re all trying to figure it all out. We’re all looking for love and acceptance. Let’s just give one another some grace. The next time you hear yourself comparing, judging, or criticizing, maybe just don’t.

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